I understand you have some issues about living next-door. I also understand most of these issues involve my dog. Since I sympathize with the plight of non-dog lovers, I’ve decided to write to you some gentle pointers about tolerating these amazing animals. Here are some that you may find handy:
- If there’s poop in your front entrance, please remember that grown-up dogs seldom poop in the doorway. They prefer the dirt and the grass. It might have been the stray cat that lives in our building, or the stray kids.
- Yes. He barks. It’s an early warning system against burglars, strangers and serial killers. Much as I would enjoy it, I don’t want my neighbors serially killed.
- Thank you for that obvious remark, yes he is very big and strong. Did you think I dislocated my shoulder eating cereal?
- He likes to chase the pigeons. I know you find it hilarious, pointing and laughing as you do, but he means to kill them, not play.
- Very true, he does shed a lot of hair. We tried the vacuum cleaner, but he’s already made an enemy out of the blow-dryer.
- I am usually covered in dog-hair, with specks of drool on my shirt and a fistful of half-eaten dog biscuits in my pocket. I hope you’re not judging my fashion sense right now.
- One of the ways to introduce yourself to a big dog is to ask the owner if he’s friendly. One of the ways to get your ass bitten is run towards the dog yelling “German Shepherd! Weeeeeeee!”
- Rest assured, your loud, rude, annoying kid is very safe with my dog. He’s not very safe with me, however.
- No he’s not at all like a Labrador. A Labrador will think about how nice you are. An Alsatian will think about how nice you taste.
- Yes. I get it. He’s a dog. He’s not a cute baby you can fawn over. He’s not a hot girl you can gawk at. But he’s my best friend and I’d appreciate some respect for this species of bomb-sniffers, caregivers, sentinels and perpetual face-lickers.
I raise my paw in farewell
Your neighbor with that dog!