Why not just kill myself?

I’ll tell you why not.

I think it’s safe to say that out of all the people who’re reading this post, 80% will have experienced suicidal thoughts.

No you didn’t read that wrong. I am talking about suicidal ideation. And the title pretty much covers the first thought we have when we contemplate suicide: Why not just kill myself?

Some die shouting in gas or fire;
    Some die silent, by shell and shot.
Some die desperate, caught on the wire;
    Some die suddenly. This will not.
-Rudyard Kipling


In all fairness, suicidal thoughts are a lot more normal than you’d think. Nearly every person will have suicidal thoughts at some point of time or other. In fact, this is the one thing all of humanity shares: an existential dilemma about life and death.

Everyone has different reasons for thinking about death but they all envisage pretty much the same ending : A black void, a peaceful sleep, a deep abyss, pearly gates of heaven, a ferry crossing over the river Styx; popular culture, classic literature and art have provided an abundance of ideas about life after death.

But why do people even consider life after death? Why do people think about gulping that poison or fastening that noose?

Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live.

-Dorothy Parker


Speaking as someone  who has struggled with depression and PTSD, I can give you a million reasons why people think about suicide: Trauma. Addiction. Escapism. Fear. Helplessness. Anxiety. Despair. War. Madness. Hopelessness. Loneliness. Failure. Loss of a loved one.

And that’s the keyword:  Love. Love is basically the energy souls are made up of. It’s essential to our survival. Love is that glowing Patronus that fights our lurking Dementors. I’ve always felt that the people who end up killing themselves, are people who were never given the love they deserved. They felt unloved, and that’s where everything seemed to end. A person who commits suicide doesn’t die after the act. In a way, he was dead long before he pulled that trigger.

And it is an appealing option, isn’t it? One move, and all your suffering and pain will end. All your fears and ghosts will vanish, no longer there to haunt you. I bet you’re thinking right now that this is a dangerous track for me take, talking about the upside of committing suicide. But hold on, I’m getting there. I have a point, let me make it.

If you’re reading this and you’re feeling like you haven’t gotten it in you to fight anymore I’ll give you 5 reasons why I think you should give life another chance. Hear me out. Read what I’ve written with an open mind, and you might find something that gives you a fighting spirit.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. 

J.K Rowling

-Death is only the beginning: Even though Arnold Vosloo delivered this line in the Mummy,the wisdom of these words is indubitable. Rooted in Buddhist beliefs, these words resonate across religions and communities. Our souls are immortal. We think when we finish one chapter, the book ends. It doesn’t. It’s only one chapter. There’s one after that and after that and after that. Your story does not end just because you killed yourself. Have you ever played snakes and ladders? Death is that gamble you took when you arrived on a snake and went down several levels. Suicide sets us way back in the game. Souls cannot be overwhelmed by despair, defeat or death. Souls are resilient, positive and eager to learn. You will come back. You’ll have to. And what’s more; you’ll find yourself in the same situation which forced you out. You will go through this over and over and over again until you learn. So why quit? Keep going. Find your way out and lead the rest of your life in peace.

-What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger: Kelly Clarkson got it right. If it doesn’t kill you, then it’s not meant to kill you. It’s here to make you fight your demons, learn, grow and emerge victorious. Whatever situation in life has backed you into a corner, whatever darkness has befallen you, it can’t swallow you whole. Things might seem like they’re about to overpower you, but in the end, you are the master of your own destiny.When people die in accidents, or from terminal illnesses, they’re not given the choice that you’re being given. In a split second, everything that they know comes to an end. They don’t even get to say goodbye to the people they love. You’re alive, you’re breathing, you have a choice. Make the choice your future self will thank you for.

-Who makes you feel happy?: As I said before, one cannot underestimate the power of love. Are there people who love you or care for you? Have you surrounded yourself with them at all times? Do it now. Reach out to the people you love and tell them what you’re going through. There’s no point in hiding, running or prevaricating. If you know they love you, then you also know that they’re not going to desert you at this pivotal moment in your life. So find the people that truly love you, that make you feel good about yourself and hold on to them. Let them help you.

-Who makes you feel bad?: What angers me about suicide, is that society attaches a social stigma to the issue, rather than catching the people who drove the victim to suicide. 95% of our problems are rooted in bad people. Who were they? What did they do to you? No one is born with a morbid desire to die. Life happens, people happen and the shit hits the fan. I strongly believe that the people to blame for anyone’s suicide are the people who did something terrible, or didn’t raise their voice when something terrible was being done. Get angry. Fight for yourself. Find those people who are using you, abusing you, hurting you, manipulating you and cut them off. It won’t be easy and you won’t be very popular for your decisions. Do a favor to yourself and eliminate the people who fester in your life like gangrene. You’ll instantly feel lighter.

-Live right: There is no way I can possibly emphasize this enough: You are the source and the end of your own suffering. Take power back into your hands. Eat right. Drink right. Meditate. Rest and allow yourself to heal. Work when you feel fit. Try and seek places, people and experiences that make you calmer. Don’t fall for cheap thrills; that only works in the Final Destination films and we all know how it worked out for those guys. Help those in need. I’ve said this time and time again, there is nothing more in the world that makes you want to live than the smile you bring on someone’s face. Helping other people in whatever way you can, helps you find yourself again. It makes you want to live because you know there are people much worse off who are depending on your kindness.

Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

-Mary Elizabeth Frye 

And if none of these reasons work, then remember this: I love you. I care for you. I’m rooting for you. I want you to be happy. And I have complete faith in you. If you die, there is a part of me that’ll die with you. When you cut yourself, you make me bleed. So if not for anything else, you can try and give it another shot for me.

I’m counting on you. 


6 thoughts on “Why not just kill myself?

  1. A brilliant read, Abha. Thoughtful and full of insight, one would not have considered a 20 someone capable of. Well done. Am confident that the message will get across to the intended.

  2. Dear Abby,
    Thank you for this piece, and I hope many read and remember it. Choose life. Always.

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