A friend of mine recently blogged about her 2016 New Year Resolutions. Normally, I feel a little embarrassed about discussing my personal goals because of the general sense of failure looming over them but seeing her putting her innermost thoughts and struggles out there, I’ve decided to give it a go. My new year resolutions come with a twist though. What would happen if, before making our resolutions we actually thought them through? I believe the following would transpire :
- Get a fit, toned body. I will not look like a misshapen model made out of potato mash and will get rid of the lard still clinging to my stomach and thighs. Nicki Minaj can have her butt back, I’m done with it.
- Do more legal work for women and children. Apart from being a life mission my future job depends on it. Except for the fact that I don’t get along with a lot of women, most of my friends are men and kids freak me out.
- Conduct my first child sexual abuse workshop for parents without fainting/falling off the stage/bursting into hysterical laughter
- No more shopping online. YOU ARE RIPPING YOUR DAD OFF WHO WILL PAY FOR YOUR POST GRADUATION??!!
- Go out on more dates. Yes. That’s healthy right? It’s not like I’m being needy? Wait. Does dating mean sex? Does it mean a serious relationship? Goodbye kiss or not? Hug or handshake? Laugh like I actually do snorting like a pig, clapping like a seal or invent new fake laugh?
- Read entire series of Jeeves and Wooster and Rumpole of the Bailey because I cannot get enough of them. I really think they’re making me a better person as in I’m slowly transitioning into a British man.
- Get a black cocker spaniel and name it something hilarious. Princess Leah, Sir Humphrey, Jack Daniels?
- Do not meet people who are neither good for you nor good to you. There is absolutely no need to hang out with people who you don’t like. Now I’m going to go and delete my Facebook account.
- I will not discuss Buddhism with drunks at parties who think visiting Stupas makes them Buddhist. I will not. I will not.
- Practice Buddhism more diligently and try not to fantasize about meat burgers during meditation.
- Do not hesitate in your attempts to explore your spiritual side. (And don’t use magic mushrooms)
Get laid. No. No.
- Don’t get your hackles up while talking to people who are dumb, argumentative, ignorant, contentious, bullies, fake, backstabbers, gossips, druggies, liars…. oh my god, does that leave anybody for me to talk to?
- Go dancing. I miss dancing and I really wish it didn’t come along with a side-order of drinking, three-wheeling for a couple and sloshed men asking for your phone number.
- Watch live stand-up comedy, plays and comic-cons. This is the most social you’ll get in your life without actually having to speak to anyone.
- I will not make plans with friends, then cancel, then remake, then cancel because I’m having a panic attack. I won’t make plans at all. I’ll stay at home watching a re-run of F.R.I.E.N.D.S
- No more banal texting, social media messaging, tweeting, instagramming, flipboarding and youtubing. Spend more time taking in real life. No wait. That’s too harsh. I’ll keep Twitter. And Youtube.
- Don’t make friends with men you know don’t want to be friends and just want to get off with you. But then what should I do when I want to get off with someone? Be friends first?
- Learn to cook. Help mother out with the washing-up, cleaning, grocery-shopping and bill-paying. I’m already sleepy.
- Don’t try and be a better person, just be more of you. Like some Sheldon Cooper character: offensively honest and annoyingly geeky. Yeah, I’m sure there are people who like that.
I hope you have better luck with your New Year Resolutions. Wish you all a happy new year!